Perspective

Hello stay at home friends! Week 7 of working from home and Maryland being closed, and it’s been a fast and painfully slow seven weeks.

As I continue to reflect daily on the abundance of things to be grateful for, I also confess I’ve been in a bit of a mood this week. This week was supposed to include my one-year anniversary check-up post tumor removal, and it is incredibly surreal to have had that appointment canceled for this week, and initial radiology visit canceled last week due to safety measures.

One year ago, my mind couldn’t fathom dealing with anything more stressful and scary than my own health circumstances. Now, they seem so small compared to a GLOBAL pandemic. It is amazing how the world turning upside down can bring so much clarity and perspective. Life has a way of reminding you to look outside of yourself, doesn’t it?

My appointments were canceled because the radiologist and breast specialist’s offices are reserving appointments for active cancer patients only. What a heartbreaking reminder that I have friends suffering through chemotherapy and other forms of treatment right now! And they can’t even enjoy the comfort of friends and family because of the risk of their loved ones carrying COVID-19. And what an important reminder to reach out and check on others. There is so much going on outside of our own bubble.

I read the news each day with a profound mixture of fear, joy, laughter, sadness, and guilt. I fear the unknown. I find joy in the heartfelt stories of humans who are risking their own lives to help others. I laugh so easily now (and at the dumbest little things) because my soul craves levity. I feel sadness to my core to see the level of pain and death and loneliness and lack of contact so many are experiencing. I feel gut-wrenching guilt for feeling frustrated at being stuck at home when I am healthy and still employed while others are suffering.

At any other point in time, I would be incredibly frightened to have to miss this second six-month check up to see if the tumor is growing back, but I find myself oddly at peace. And worrying less than ever given the complete lack of control I feel in general. Again – dat perspective thoooo. Those who know me well know I have struggled with anxiety for many years. My biggest trigger has always been lack of control/fear of the unknown…but what I can control is staying my ass at home. So surprisingly, my anxiety is at bay the most it’s been in years.

I find myself applying that desire for control to little things that mean a lot right now. I can control my attitude and try to stay positive for myself and others. I can control my choices for the day – to be creative, to be healthy, to step away from my computer screen. For the first time in my life, what I look forward to the most every week is exercising (so many online classes!) and hiking. I am so fortunate to now have the time to enjoy those things! If you aren’t taking advantage of the wonders of yoga and meditation right now by the way, I strongly encourage you to try them.

Mood = officially brightened. For those feeling sad, your feelings are warranted and valid. But I encourage you to also use perspective to your advantage. It helps. Stay safe, friends.